I will try to fix you

Well, the Dolphins are in their all too familiar late season slump, which actually started in Week 3 this year. I am perplexed with their inability to win at home this year, and I really had high hopes. After last year, it looked like they were going to be a team on the rise. It looked like Henne was going to be a pretty solid starter. At least it looked like we could win some games with him. Then he took a huge few hundred steps backward as the season went along. More than anything, I just don't like his body language. He looks too often like someone shot his dog when he makes a mistake. And he's made plenty of mistakes this year. I am resigned to believe that he will never reach the level of consistency to be a leader. This bothers me even more when I see QBs like Matt Ryan and Aaron Rodgers playing at a Pro Bowl level (these are just two of the QBs we have passed on in recent years).

So even though I know that Stephen Ross will never read this, I'm going to offer my help. Things were easier when H. Wayne Huizenga was the owner. He made his share of mistakes, but he always tried to put a winner on the field. Wayne made a ton of blunders along the way. He hired Saban and gave him full control. Then he hired Cam Cameron, which I still don't understand. He also hired Parcells, which I thought would be a great move for us. But, even after The Tuna is leaving the team, we aren't a playoff caliber team. Meanwhile, the Jets have improved and the Patriots just keep on reloading. And we're nowhere near those teams right now.
But I can't handle bellyaching about anything with no offer of a solution. So here, Mr. Ross, is my solution for solving the Dolphins' problems and moving us forward to put a better team on the field, if there is football in 2011.

1. Find a quarterback. Chad Henne is not it. He looked like he might get it figured out, and I defended him relentlessly at the first of the season. But he’s regressed as quickly as anyone I’ve ever seen. I say you draft a guy this year and see what happens. Make him your day one starter and let’s see what he’s made of. Ryan Mallett will be available. So will Jake Locker. I’m particularly interested in Locker. Last year, I thought he was it. This year he has been terrible. So maybe you don’t have to trade up to get him. I have watched this team pass on QBs like Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers and Matt Ryan. In that time, we have selected QBs like Henne, John Beck and Pat White. Ridiculous. Embarrassing. This is a QB driven league. Look at the teams in the playoffs. Except for the Jets, they all have QBs who are either established or on their way. Also, let me say this. I am right about QBs more often than the experts. My exact words on Henne when we drafted him? “I really wasn’t impressed with him in college. But I trust The Tuna.” Yeah. So I’m smarter than Parcells apparently, because I prayed for Matt Ryan. Gotta have a QB. And it doesn’t help when Steve Young calls Ryan “The Next Generation’s Tom Brady.” I love Jake Long, but he’s not the next Tom Brady.

Let me say this about Henne. I know he’s only been a starter for two seasons. And I know he’s going to make some mistakes as a young players. I knew he wasn’t an NFL QB when he came in after Pennington got hurt, after being benched for Pennington. He walked into the game like someone had just shot his dog. I don’t like his body language. And I don’t like his demeanor. He may be the most competitive guy in the world, but I want to see it. I want to see some emotion. Besides depression.

2. Keep Jeff Ireland and Tony Sparano. I think Ireland is a pretty good GM. And I really believe that Sparano is a pretty good coach. He's getting better at managing games on Sunday. And I think he's good with his players. I don't feel like it makes a lot of sense to go after a big name coach right now. Let's see how those guys do without Parcells making the final call. May I remind you that Henne was Parcells' guy?

3. Forget about defense. You have played good enough defense this year to win 12 games. But we can't score. In fact, the Dolphins haven't even scored 30 points in any game this year. They're 31st in scoring, and have no scary players on offense. We have no speed on offense.

4. Speaking of speed on offense, I’m afraid that this might have been the last year for the Ricky and Ronnie show. I would love to keep Ronnie. And I think we should. But he is going to have to take less money. Ricky is gone. So is Dan Henning. We had the most boring offense in the league this year. And he wouldn’t give up on the Wildcat, even when it brought drives to a screeching halt. Get a new O-coordinator. Maybe even promote QB coach David Lee to the job, if you want consistency. Get a fast RB and a TE that can take advantage of the middle of the field. You need a speed WR as well, preferably someone who can actually catch.

5. Also, get an ILB that isn’t Channing Crowder. He’s slower than me.

6. Keep Mike Nolan. He turned our defense around this year.

7. Hire me as a scout. I can find you a QB. QBs I said would be good that I have been right about? Try Ryan, Brees, McNabb, Roethlisberger and Rivers, just to name a few. QBs I said couldn't do it at the pro level and I have been wrong about? Looks like Sam Bradford is going to be pretty good after all, which I didn't see. But in my defense, he didn't even play last season. Vick has become a good NFL starter, and I could end up missing on Tebow. But I guarantee Jimmy Clausen isn't getting any better. The Panthers better hope Andrew Luck comes out. And if they have to hire Jim Harbaugh to make that happen, then there you go.

These are just a few thoughts that I had after watching us lay an egg against the Lions this weekend. I’m sure I could come up with more. But to sit back and watch the Patriots win another Super Bowl is going to be hard, knowing we’re not even close to challenging them, and they got younger and better this year. Gah.

Now seems like a pretty good time for an end of the year rant (Part 1)

I got a bee in my bonnet about something today (probably sports-related, for those of you who want to stop reading now), and I decided that I really haven't lately used this blog for the main reason I originally started it -- ranting. So, since the year is almost over anyway, I may as well make up for lost time. So here it is, my big rant for the year. If you don't want to hear me gripe or don't care about my opinions, turn back before it's too late. It's my rant. You don't have to agree with it, but it's still mine. Make your own. OK, so really, here we go.

For the umpteen-thousandth time, I care about two sports: football and basketball. To say I care is to say that I am only passionate about those two sports. And the only teams I care about are the Miami Dolphins (football, kinda) and the University of North Carolina Tar Heels (college basketball/football). I care about these two teams and that is all. I am not invested otherwise.

If we are talking about favorite college teams and I ask you who your favorite team is and your reply starts with, "Well, in football . . . ", the conversation is over. Pick a school and root for their athletics. It makes you look less bandwagony and also saves you a lot of money in T-shirts.

Speaking of sports, if you haven't said two words to me in five years and you decide to end your silence by talking smack about my team just because yours finally made it past the second round, just don't.

Note: I don't talk smack because I can't take it. Yes, there was a time when I enjoyed arguing about everything. Just ask anyone within earshot of me in the FHU cafeteria circa 1993-97. But those days are gone now. I do like to have conversations with knowledgeable fans of all teams, who support their teams without the need to belittle someone else. I have even had grown-up conversations with Duke fans. Jets fans? Different story.

Oh, that reminds me. I hate Duke. I hate the Jets. I don't hate their fans or players. I use the word hate a lot in sports, only because the words "loathe" and "disdain" do not hit the same chord.

Here's the deal. If you are a Duke fan, then you hate Carolina. And if you are a Jets fan . . . well, pretty much you hate the world. I have softened a lot on rivalries. I have had some Duke fans in my youth group over the years, so I have softened a little. I still love when they lose, but it doesn't bother me as much when they win. And I don't talk smack . . . ever. Did I mention that?

When I say I don't talk smack, I mean I don't initiate it. I can still bring it.

Why do you stop liking a band after they get big? Do you want them to live in a van and go broke so they can't make any more records? If you stop liking a band because others started liking them, you never liked them anyway. Some people just want to say they knew them when . . . I hate that.

Did I mention I used to be one of those people?

I'm not talking about people who like listening to stuff that no one else listens to. I don't like pop music either. At least I don't think I do. I don't put labels on stuff anymore. Don asked me the other day what kind of music I listened to, and I didn't know what to say. Do people still use the word "alternative"?

Everything I listen to sounds like it came out in the 60s or 80s anyway.

Speaking of music, I like the Jonas Brothers. There. I said it. Don't care.

In fact, let me just say that the music my girls like isn't bad. It's not written for me, but it's not painful to listen to. Regarding that ilk, I include: The Jo-Bros, Allstar Weekend and, yes . . . Justin Bieber. Is it Mozart? Heck no. But I'd rather listen to Justin Bieber for 12 hours than anything by the cast of Glee for twenty seconds. And yes, I said that too.

Look, I'm not a music scholar. Don't start telling me how juvenile something is. Music is supposed to induce an emotional response. And if it's fun, it's just fun. I'm not a music critic or music snob. Like what you like and don't listen to what other people listen to just to seem cooler. Don't degrade what someone else listens to either. Disney Channel doesn't write music targeting 30 year olds. My kids don't like The Pixies. I don't tell them they're stupid. I just turn it up.

Not too long ago, I was driving and turning left. I waited at the light until I obviously received the green arrow. Only thing is, there was someone on the opposite side of the road from me that was trying to turn right into the lane I was turning left into. I had the light. I had the right of way. And this guy throws his arms up at me like I had no idea what I was doing. Reason #74 I do not need to get a gun permit.

I heard Apple is coming out with the iPad 2 by April of next year. Can't wait to see the line for that one. I admit I am an Apple enthusiast. Love the products and the ease and style they offer. However, I do not consider myself an Apple snob. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you're probably an Apple snob.

Q. How do you know if someone has an iPhone?
A. They tell you.

"Steve Jobs is the man." - Apple Enthusiast
"In the beginning, Steve Jobs created . . . " - Apple Snob

I'm making fun of Apple snobs while typing on a MacBook. Yes, I am the worst kind of hypocrite.

I'm not the most patriotic person you'll ever meet, but when did the American Flag become an embarrassment in this country? I don't mind you waving your home country's flag wherever, even in this country, but when kids get sent home from school for showing pride in America? Something's wrong with that.

I don't get into politics. But I do wish our next president would be so much like Ronald Reagan they'd have to do a DNA test to make sure he wasn't.

I realize that makes me sound old. Don't care.

Well, I have to go pick up the kids from school. I'll try to do part 2 tonight. I can't be finished ranting yet. I haven't even started talking movies yet.