Well, here I am blogging again. I know that I am a fairly shallow person. I know a few things. But more importantly, I know how to beat a dead horse. So I am going to make some predictions for this NFL season, and you, my friends, may take them to the bank. I'm not sure what the bank will do with them, but . . . maybe open an account or something while you're there.
1. The Lions will win the SuperBowl. Or lose 11 games. One of those. But seriously, they're my pick to at least win the NFC North.
And since we're talking division champs, I may as well list mine.
NFC East - Cowboys
NFC North - Orioles
NFC South - Saints
NFC West - 49ers
AFC East - Patriots (blah)
AFC North - Bengals
AFC South - Texans
AFC West - Broncos
2. The Cowboys will have a top 7 defense. Seriously, I've seen them ranked so low by fantasy "experts", and I wonder if anyone has ever seen a Monte Kiffin defense. Monte is Lane's dad. One of them is a good coach. I'll let you debate which.
3. Ryan Tannehill will be a top-32 QB this year. Mark Sanchez will not.
4. Jake Locker will throw 25 TD passes this year. And 47 INTs.
5. Chris Nolan will do a biopic about the life of Brett Favre. It'll be called "Winners Never Quit" and Philip Seymour Hoffman will play the title role.
6. There will be a record sale of "Mrs. Luck" T-shirts this year.
7. On the way to the parking lot after the Steelers lose their 6th consecutive game, Plaxico Burress will shoot Ben Roethlisberger in the leg.
8. I will post approximately 6,000 tweets about how we could have had Matt Ryan.
9. JJ Watt will rip an opposing O-lineman's ribcage clean out of his chest. He will be fined $25,000.
10. Joey Harrington will be quarterbacking the Jets by week 6.
11. Rob Gronkowski will make a dramatic return to the Patriots by catching 4 TD passes in his first game back. He will break his femur after the game celebrating at a country/western club during the "Hoedown Throwdown."
12. Russell Wilson will lose the lift insoles in his cleats and will miss the first half of the Niners game in San Fran trying to convince security he's not one of the players' sons.
13. The Dolphins will rip my heart out. Again.
So there you have it, my 13 predictions. Why 13? Because it's my lucky number, which explains a lot.
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